It is normal to think that you will never be able to get over the pain of betrayal. The hurt experienced by the body is so intense and so physical, the betrayed person never wants to feel that way again. And so separation is a knee-jerk first reaction. Trust is a choice.

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful in your relationship, even in just an emotional sense, can cause you to feel devastated. Often there have been signs and observations of things not being quite right, but you usually push the suspicions away, refusing to believe that your partner would stray.

You have experienced a traumatic event. Even though the event may be completed, you may now be experiencing, or may experience later, some strong emotional or physical reactions.

With infidelity there can be two distinct feelings: One of being betrayed (partner being unfaithful – the act of) and the other of being deceived (of being lied to). These are not the same feelings nor are they the same offence. Each has its consequences.

The intensity of emotions after discovery of infidelity can be so strong that a wife might ask her husband to leave home. Should she delay the decision?

Your sandcastle has been washed away. After betrayal, rebuilding trust is about first making a decision to trust. It is not about FEELING trusting. You must make the decision first, before any “trusting” type feelings can return.

In the work of rebuilding a marriage, two people have to do the work, even though initially one feels the victim.

After a breach of trust has been discovered, the betrayer wants all the guilt, blame and sadness left in the past. Meanwhile the betrayed partner can’t cooperate so fast.

What helps in the recovery from infidelity is if he acknowledges every now and again that he hasn’t forgotten and that he appreciates the fact that she doesn’t talk about it.

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